Being a step parent can be hard enough without the (sometimes) well intentioned comments from other people. While I think most people mean well, there are some things that are said that can be really hurtful. Below are two that I have run into that I feel the need to get off my chest. Please feel free to share your "Just don't say it" experiences in the comment section below.
Just don't say it: "Of course they're going to fight you! Pick and choose your battles! They aren't yours!"
Alright, so this one is a little tricky. Yes, there are some children that just outright hate the step-parent and will defy them no matter the situation. However, sometimes kids are just being rotten kids. I've know parents whose biological children are little hellions and won't listen to a thing they say. Telling a step-parent that a child is obviously going to fight them because they are not the blood parent is really disheartening. Instead of basically telling the step-parent they're screwed, offer some words of encouragement. We know good and well that we aren't the child's actual mother or father, and we are doing the best we can. I'd much rather have someone tell me to keep my chin up instead of reminding me I'm not their mother and hey, why should they listen to me anyway?
And as far as picking and choosing battles. Well, dammit, that's the easy way out, and it's not good for the children. Parent's need to be consistent. I know it sucks when it feels like you are having to get on your children for every little thing, but sometimes it has to happen. Kids need consistency in discipline. They don't need to grow up knowing their parents will let them get away with certain things because, "Mommy and Daddy just don't want to deal with it.", and that kind of attitude certainly won't earn you any rewards from the people that now have to deal with the children you've raised.
Just don't say it: "It's different because they aren't yours." or "You'll understand when you have one of your own."
To be honest, this is the one that really pisses me off. One of the most hurtful things you can say to a loving step-parent is that because the child is not their biological child, the parent just "won't get it", "won't appreciate it", or will "feel differently about it" once they have a child of their own, when it comes to one situation or another. I love my children. I would do anything for them. Just because I did not give birth to them does not mean I would not lay down my life for them or do what I could to secure their happiness. The fact that I did not give birth to them, and therefor the children are not "my blood" does not do anything to change how I feel for them. I know people who would lay down their lives for a friend, but who if their sibling was on fire and they had a bottle of water, they would drink it rather than help "their blood.". Blood to me means nothing. I was raised with a half-brother and an adopted sister, and guess what? They are my brother and my sister. Whether or not they share some or none of my blood does nothing to change my feelings for them. My children are my children. End of story.
Okay, I'm feeling a bit better now. The phrases above are two that I have run into a LOT since I got married, and I've been married less than two months! It can be really discouraging to have people who don't know you, your children, or your situation basically tell you how you should be living your life and what you should be doing. It makes me want to throw my hands up in the air and start running around the room screaming, "You don't know me! You don't know my life! BLAH!" and make a bee-line for the nearest exit. Because, well, honestly... they don't.
~ Lady A
step parent adoption one of the most common form of adoption. It permits the stepparent to legally adopt the child of his or her spouse. This further eliminates the non-custodial parent from all the rights and responsibilities of the child which also includes child support. The sole obligation lies within the hands of the newly legalized parent and his/her spouse.
ReplyDeleteLike any other form of adoption, step parent adoption is also governed by the state law. However, it may vary from state to state in terms of ease. Some of them comforts out the entire process if the documents favor the name of the desiring couple. Most common example is excluding the need of the couple to be represented by a lawyer. Some states may also omit the necessity of a home study which is quite indispensable in other types of adoptions. Though even then you may have to pass through a criminal background check.
The time duration requisite for a successful step parent adoption also depends on the state. You may have to be married to your spouse for one year before you can even apply for the adoption. Conversely it might not be necessary in other states. No advert effects are generally applied to the legal rights of the child who is concerned in a normal run. The child may inherit from the birth parent or even the family members.
What is an indispensable thing is the consent of the spouse as well as the other parent. A legal step parent adoption can never take place if one of the both disagrees to it. It can be a difficult task however. Also, the ways of gaining the consent may be different in different states. The non-custodial parent may just provide a written statement, he/she may have to appear in the court for the same, and a state may even ask the parent for receiving counseling about the subject.
Different laws are being applied by different states. Therefore if you want to understand the requirements for step parent adoption, you must first go through the laws of your particular state and consult a lawyer if needed. This will evade you from being a victim of something you did not know about in the beginning. Some states may also provide you with free legal help if you are not financially strong to afford a lawyer of your own.