Tonight I'll Cry

Tonight, tonight I'll cry. Tonight motherhood has brought me to tears. 

It started off as such a nice afternoon. The boys were happy and content. The baby was cooing in his swing and I was snuggling my toddler as we watched Veggie Tales: Lord of the Bean. It was idilic really, so picture perfect that I'd even snapped a photo of it to share on Instagram. As soon as the movie was over though, it all just started to go down hill.

The baby started crying and just wouldn't stop. The toddler wouldn't listen no matter how many times I told him no, pulled him away from whatever havoc he was causing, or put him into time out. I had no relief as my husband was at work and my step kids are with their mother. I was at my wits end trying to sooth the baby and stop my toddler from the trouble he was getting in to that I snapped, and I yelled at my son. I don't yell at my kids, and as soon as the anger fueled words left my mouth and he teared up, I felt like a horrible person. I sounded like my mother, and in that moment I felt like a failure.

You see, I grew up with a mother that always yelled. She went from 0 to 60 when she got angry, and she could get mean. My mom wasn't physically abusive (I don't consider spanking abuse, though I may have been spanked more than was necessary), but she could get verbally abusive. She'd say things just to wound you, and even admitted that to me at one point in my life. It's kinda heart shattering as a kid to hear your mom tell you that she would say cruel, untrue things to you just because she wanted to hurt you. She grew up in an abusive household which in turn caused her to be abusive. She passed away due to chronic health issues when I was 14 and I swore to myself that the abusive cycle would stop with me. I love my mom, and have worked over the years on forgiving but not forgetting, so I don't make the same mistakes.

After yelling at my child, I once again put him in time out, picked up the baby in an attempt to quiet his tears, and burst into tears myself. I often feel like a failure as a mother, and wish I had someone to lean on for support or relief that understands my background. I don't have any women in my family who knew my mom that are close enough to turn to, and I don't think they knew that side of my mother anyway and therefor can't understand the fear I have whenever I react to my children from anger. I know it sure came as a surprise to my father when my sisters and I finally told him about the verbal abuse we suffered, and I often wish we hadn't as he feels extreme guilt over his ignorance. I hardly talk to my older sister due to a toxic relationship, and my younger sister doesn't have children and has enough issues of her own. 

With my tears there was also a deep sense of isolation. I never realized before I had children just how lonely motherhood can be. I feel as if I am no longer close to any of the female friends I had before I got married and became a mother, and I haven't made any new friends as my family takes up any available time I have outside of work. I can't recall the last time I took a night off to have a "Girls Night Out", and even if/when I have the time, my friends lead very busy lives of their own and our schedules just don't match. Since I haven't seen or talked to my friends in so long, on nights like tonight when I desperately long for someone to talk to I feel as if I have no one. I don't have the energy to fill someone in on the last few months of my life when I need to cry abut the here and now. Besides, they've got enough going as it is.

The toddler is now in bed, having been put there early and without a story after mommy explained why he was being punished for the umpteenth time tonight, and the baby is sleeping on my chest as I type this from my phone. I know I will have many nights such as this in the years to come, and I will need to forgive myself and move on every time I feel like I've failed, which will be often. And I know there will be times I will have to leave the forgiveness to God, because I will not be able to find it within myself. He has entrusted me with these precious gifts and I can't... I WON'T, fail them.

But tonight? Tonight I'll cry.

~ Lady A

When I Grow Up

I was scrolling through Facebook today and came across a Buzzfeed video that is part of their Teens React series. The subject of the video is that they gave a stack of encyclopedias to a group of teens, and the teens had no clue what to do with them. At least, that's what the description said. I didn't actually bother to watch. 

My first reaction to the description was to laugh and think, "I'd know what to do with them." My second reaction was, "Of course we'd know what to do with them. We are almost thirty, we left our teen years a long time ago."

You see, my first reaction came from a portion of my brain/personality that refuses to move past 19. Not 13, not 16, not 21, but 19. Why 19, and how do I know with such certainty? I don't know. I can't say any significant life event took place at 19, at least not that I recall. Maybe it's because it was my last year as a teenager, the year before I became a "real adult".

I both hate and love this part of me.

I hate it because this is the part of my personality that doesn't like to take responsibility for things, the part that throws tantrums when I'm too tired, the part that holds me back, the part that always chooses "flight" when things get too scary or hard...

Yet I love this part of my personality because it's "fun". It allows me to get on the same level as my teen and pre-teen, that gives me permission to act like a complete goofball and have fun with my kids, the part that feels no shame when I make a fool of myself, as long as I have a good time while doing it.

It can be hard trying to find the balance between my "mature" side, and the 19 year old side. At times it feels like they are at war with each other, the desires of the youth conflicting with the practicality of the women. I suppose it can be compared to the Angel and the Devil that sit on your shoulder, you're not quite sure who to listen to.

I think that the 19 year old version of me will always be around, and while at times it annoys the heck out of me, I know I'd miss it if that part of me ever went away. Hell, there are moments I wish my mature side would step to the curb and let it take control. 

Hopefully someday I can find a happy medium between the two. I have a feeling that when I do, I'll truly feel at peace in my own skin, and with who I am as a person. I'm just not there yet.

~ Lady A

Hey Doofenshmirtz, I've got some ideas

I've been watching a lot of Phineas and Ferb lately on Netflix, as it seems to be something my toddler enjoys, and it means I don't have to watch Daniel Tiger and Chugginton for the billionth time. If you've never seen Phineas and Ferb, this post may be a bit hard for you to follow, so I'll give you a little background in the second paragraph. It's actually a pretty amusing cartoon even if you DON'T have kids, and sometimes you learn stuff. Because of a catchy little number from Season 2: Episode 3 - Tip of the day (no, I don't have that memorized, I looked it up) I will always remember what that bit at the end of a shoelace is called (extra points if YOU know!).

Phineas and Ferb generally has two story lines going on at once. The first being that Phineas and Ferb are always inventing new ways to pass the summer days, which usually involves the construction of large and incredible devices. Their sister Candace is always unsuccessfully trying to bust them and expose their crazy inventions to their mother. She always fails at bringing their mother into the light because whatever happens to have been invented that day seems to magically disappear (either by destruction or relocation) right before mom arrives on the scene. The disappearance of their inventions ties into the secondary plot line, that of the never-ending fight between Perry, the crime fighting secret agent platypus (the pet of  Phineas and Ferb, who have no clue he leads a double life), and the evil and inept Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Doofenshmirtz is constantly plotting to take over the Tri-State area (using various "evil" inventions, all ending with "inator") where all the characters live. Perry always foils Dr. Doofenshmirtz plans, during which their fights somehow cause any traces of Phineas and Ferbs antics to vanish before they can be exposed.

Have enough backstory to follow the rest of this post now? Yes? Good. Lets proceed.

I happen to be a person who can be very sensitive to the moods of those I'm close to, and last night my husband came home tired and annoyed from a long day at work. His mood rubbed off on me, and I began getting overly aggravated over everything. Now I was getting on my OWN nerves, and found myself wishing I could phone up Dr. Doofenshmirtz with a few "inator" ideas of my own. He could use them to take over the Tri-State area, and I could use them on my family! Win Win! My only requirement for the use of my ideas is that I get miniature versions to take home.

Number 1: "The Good Mood-inator"
A fairly simple and I feel self explanatory device. You simply take aim at someone who is in a bad mood, and ZAP!, they are suddenly in a good mood! Doof, buddy, just shoot the Tri-State area with this baby and with everyone now in a good mood, the thought of you taking over the Tri-State area will seem like a great one! It can't fail! I mean, it CAN should Perry decide to show up, but hey, that's your problem.

Number 2: "The Nap-inator"
How brilliant is this one, right? You can use it to put the entire Tri-State area to sleep, and I can use it to get my toddler to go down without a fuss! You take over as supreme ruler while everyone is catching some zzz's, and I can drink a cup of coffee in peace. Sounds good to me!

Number 3: "The Chore-inator"
Just think about how CLEAN your laboratory will be after you shoot Perry with a device that makes him helpless but to do chores! While he's busy cleaning up after your latest fight, you can devote all your focus onto taking over the Tri-State area without interruption! And I can use it on my teenagers so they'll finally start cleaning up after themselves on a regular basis.

Trust me Doofenshmirtz, with devices like these, you'll have no problem taking over.You'll win the hearts and minds of all the parents in entire Tri-State area, and that's most of the battle right there! So, what do you say, do we have a deal?

Honestly, I really could have used those first two devices while writing this blog post. It's taken me about 4 hours to write because I've had to stop to deal with a fussy toddler, clean up after a decimated roll, avoid explosive poop, and I've shouted, "No!" I don't know how many times. Honestly, I'm a bit parched. Can we add an "Instant Drink-inator" to this list?

~ Lady A

My tweens makeup: Rock that hot pink girl

Makeup. That amazing and frustrating thing that makes some people look like goddesses, and others incompetent clowns (and I've fallen in the latter more times than I'd like to admit). Right before I gave birth to my second child (and had the realization that I am only 3 short years away from 30), I got hit with one of those, "It's time to grow up and learn how to use this stuff" moments, and I put in a rather large order to e.l.f. cosmetics with the idea that I'd teach myself how to become an expert. Well, THAT didn't happen, but I did suddenly discover a love of lipstick. I went from 0 to 15+ colors in no time flat!

My sudden interest in makeup caught the attention of my pre-teen step daughter, whom has already developed a love of the stuff (and was ecstatic when my order came and I told her she could have a lipstick I didn't like). She'd asked me on multiple occasions before I decided to become a "makeup guru" if we could do makeovers as a way of spending time with each other. I always said no, because, well, you can't very well put eye-shadow on someone when you don't own any. All the different aspects of makeup fascinate her, and she loves playing with all the brushes and colors. I'm pretty positive someday she will end up being the expert I will never be.

Today was one of those days where she asked to play with my makeup. I've been letting her use primarily eye-shadows and blushes when I allow her to use it, and I instantly become that "cool mom" when her friend comes over and I let the two of them do up their faces (I was super cool that time I let them play in my heels). Not having much experience with makeup yet, she made her brows far too dark, and I sat with her cleaning it up and explained to her how less is more. I then left her to do her eye-shadow however she pleased. She has a love of BRIGHT colors, and when she came around the corner, pleased with her work and seeking my approval, I was taken back to the early 90's. She was wearing a bright pink lipstick that I bought her which she wears almost daily, and an eye-shadow that was almost the exact same shade. My first reaction was one of surprise and "Oh my.", even as I gave her the thumbs up. My second was actually one of pleasure. Pleasure that the way she had done her makeup seemed so young and carefree.

In today's society there is pressure at such a young age to look a certain way (Kardashian's, Ariana Grande, or Iggy Azalia [or however you spell her name] anyone?), act a certain way, present yourself a certain way. I've often been shocked and appalled when my step daughter has come home from school. telling me how the girls picked on her because her chest is too flat, she's not what they consider stylish (which really took me by surprise as the school she attended required uniforms, how stylish can those get?), that she's doesn't have what it takes to be popular, etc. The fact that 10 and 11 year olds are discussing the size of their breasts and that they find it perfectly acceptable says something about the nature of our society. We sexualize our girls at such young ages, and teach them that their worth lies in how desirable and attractive they are, and how close they come to representing societies idea of beauty. This isn't the sin of just this generation, a woman's worth has always been weighed by how desirable she is to a man. However with social media and sexualized messages being constantly crammed down the throats of our young women, the pressure to conform to what society thinks a girl/woman should be seems to be worse than ever, even as people take up the mantle to fight these messages and change how a women's worth is found.

I try to lead by example for my step daughter by not putting myself down or equating my importance/worth with how I look, but I know there are times I fail, and my example is only a drop in an ocean of voices she hears on a daily basis telling her how to judge her worth. I ache for her when she comes to me in tears because someone has yet again taken a chunk out of her wall of confidence, because they felt they had the right to judge her worth. Her worth, and the worth of every human being is NOT found in their appearance, but in their personality, their mind, and their heart.

So you rock that hot pink girl. You express yourself with all those bright shades and revel in the joy you feel in all those fun colors. Don't ever let anyone tear you down because you aren't following the latest fashions or beauty trends, because those trends will fade and die, while your beauty will only continue to grow and shine.

Teal eye-liner anyone?

When you're a mom because you have to be, not because you feel you CAN be

Hey blogger,

Remember in that last blog post where I said I was really bad about keeping my blogs updated? I meant it.

That baby we said we were leaving up to God's plan? God decided that month that we should have another baby, and I'm now 30 weeks pregnant with my second son.

My first child is going to be a year old on the 2nd of April, and already the tantrums have begun. He's still mostly a little angel, but when he has bad days, he has BAD days. I was trying to clean up my house today (something that I have been really lacking on, see above about being 30 weeks pregnant) in preparation for getting our rental home re-carpeted this week (my father, the landlord, wants new carpet installed before the new baby gets here) and it felt as if for every minute of cleaning, there was ten minutes of tantrums and cuddling that needed to happen before I was able to continue with whatever it was I was doing. My son can now stand with the assistance of objects, and one of his favorite objects is his mommy's legs, especially when he's on a little rampage and wants attention NOW. I cannot tell you how many times this kids has almost accidentally pulled my pants down (one time he actually succeeded).

I was just losing all patience with him today, and then getting annoyed at myself for it and feeling like a failure. He's one, he doesn't REALLY know what he's doing. He's learning and testing boundaries, that is what little people do. I just felt so ill equipped all day to deal with him, and all I could keep thinking was, "My God, and in just about two more months I'm going to have a newborn to take care of as well. How am I going to do it without having a complete and total mental/physical/emotional breakdown?!"

I was a mom tonight because I had to be, not because I felt like I could be. I felt like a failure. I didn't know what my son wanted/needed, and he's too young to tell me. One minute all he wanted was to be held, the next he desperately wanted on the floor, but as soon as his feet touched the ground he was crying again. It doesn't help that he's teething as well (his 7th, 8th, and I think 9th teeth are coming in). He's struggling and learning right along with me, and logically I know I can't have all the answers and magically understand what's going on in that tiny little brain of his, but I feel like I should.

I really shouldn't even be on here right now. I haven't eaten any dinner, I have the remains of my son's dinner to pick up from the floor (half a bagel with cream cheese and yogurt melts, I didn't have the energy to try for anything else, plus I haven't gone shopping this week), and I still have hours of housework ahead of me. I just really felt like I needed a moment to "write it out" though, and I do feel guilt about not keeping up with my blog (among other things). I think if I found time to write just a little bit every week, it would help me feel a little better. I know there are lots of moms out there that struggle just like I do, I'm not special in that regard. But maybe some mom will stumble across my words and feel just a little bit better and a little less alone knowing that it's not just them.

Well, I should go find some dinner (likely a bowl of cereal) and get back to work. Part of me wants to say "fudge it" and just wake up really early tomorrow before work and try to get some more work done, but I know me, and that's a bad idea.

~ Lady A