When I Grow Up

I was scrolling through Facebook today and came across a Buzzfeed video that is part of their Teens React series. The subject of the video is that they gave a stack of encyclopedias to a group of teens, and the teens had no clue what to do with them. At least, that's what the description said. I didn't actually bother to watch. 

My first reaction to the description was to laugh and think, "I'd know what to do with them." My second reaction was, "Of course we'd know what to do with them. We are almost thirty, we left our teen years a long time ago."

You see, my first reaction came from a portion of my brain/personality that refuses to move past 19. Not 13, not 16, not 21, but 19. Why 19, and how do I know with such certainty? I don't know. I can't say any significant life event took place at 19, at least not that I recall. Maybe it's because it was my last year as a teenager, the year before I became a "real adult".

I both hate and love this part of me.

I hate it because this is the part of my personality that doesn't like to take responsibility for things, the part that throws tantrums when I'm too tired, the part that holds me back, the part that always chooses "flight" when things get too scary or hard...

Yet I love this part of my personality because it's "fun". It allows me to get on the same level as my teen and pre-teen, that gives me permission to act like a complete goofball and have fun with my kids, the part that feels no shame when I make a fool of myself, as long as I have a good time while doing it.

It can be hard trying to find the balance between my "mature" side, and the 19 year old side. At times it feels like they are at war with each other, the desires of the youth conflicting with the practicality of the women. I suppose it can be compared to the Angel and the Devil that sit on your shoulder, you're not quite sure who to listen to.

I think that the 19 year old version of me will always be around, and while at times it annoys the heck out of me, I know I'd miss it if that part of me ever went away. Hell, there are moments I wish my mature side would step to the curb and let it take control. 

Hopefully someday I can find a happy medium between the two. I have a feeling that when I do, I'll truly feel at peace in my own skin, and with who I am as a person. I'm just not there yet.

~ Lady A