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Sunday, July 26, 2015

Tonight I'll Cry

Tonight, tonight I'll cry. Tonight motherhood has brought me to tears. 

It started off as such a nice afternoon. The boys were happy and content. The baby was cooing in his swing and I was snuggling my toddler as we watched Veggie Tales: Lord of the Bean. It was idilic really, so picture perfect that I'd even snapped a photo of it to share on Instagram. As soon as the movie was over though, it all just started to go down hill.

The baby started crying and just wouldn't stop. The toddler wouldn't listen no matter how many times I told him no, pulled him away from whatever havoc he was causing, or put him into time out. I had no relief as my husband was at work and my step kids are with their mother. I was at my wits end trying to sooth the baby and stop my toddler from the trouble he was getting in to that I snapped, and I yelled at my son. I don't yell at my kids, and as soon as the anger fueled words left my mouth and he teared up, I felt like a horrible person. I sounded like my mother, and in that moment I felt like a failure.

You see, I grew up with a mother that always yelled. She went from 0 to 60 when she got angry, and she could get mean. My mom wasn't physically abusive (I don't consider spanking abuse, though I may have been spanked more than was necessary), but she could get verbally abusive. She'd say things just to wound you, and even admitted that to me at one point in my life. It's kinda heart shattering as a kid to hear your mom tell you that she would say cruel, untrue things to you just because she wanted to hurt you. She grew up in an abusive household which in turn caused her to be abusive. She passed away due to chronic health issues when I was 14 and I swore to myself that the abusive cycle would stop with me. I love my mom, and have worked over the years on forgiving but not forgetting, so I don't make the same mistakes.

After yelling at my child, I once again put him in time out, picked up the baby in an attempt to quiet his tears, and burst into tears myself. I often feel like a failure as a mother, and wish I had someone to lean on for support or relief that understands my background. I don't have any women in my family who knew my mom that are close enough to turn to, and I don't think they knew that side of my mother anyway and therefor can't understand the fear I have whenever I react to my children from anger. I know it sure came as a surprise to my father when my sisters and I finally told him about the verbal abuse we suffered, and I often wish we hadn't as he feels extreme guilt over his ignorance. I hardly talk to my older sister due to a toxic relationship, and my younger sister doesn't have children and has enough issues of her own. 

With my tears there was also a deep sense of isolation. I never realized before I had children just how lonely motherhood can be. I feel as if I am no longer close to any of the female friends I had before I got married and became a mother, and I haven't made any new friends as my family takes up any available time I have outside of work. I can't recall the last time I took a night off to have a "Girls Night Out", and even if/when I have the time, my friends lead very busy lives of their own and our schedules just don't match. Since I haven't seen or talked to my friends in so long, on nights like tonight when I desperately long for someone to talk to I feel as if I have no one. I don't have the energy to fill someone in on the last few months of my life when I need to cry abut the here and now. Besides, they've got enough going as it is.

The toddler is now in bed, having been put there early and without a story after mommy explained why he was being punished for the umpteenth time tonight, and the baby is sleeping on my chest as I type this from my phone. I know I will have many nights such as this in the years to come, and I will need to forgive myself and move on every time I feel like I've failed, which will be often. And I know there will be times I will have to leave the forgiveness to God, because I will not be able to find it within myself. He has entrusted me with these precious gifts and I can't... I WON'T, fail them.

But tonight? Tonight I'll cry.

~ Lady A

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