I swear, I used to be funny

This morning, as I once again used Twitter as a sound board to vent my frustrations, I thought to myself, "Dammit, I used to be funny! I used to have people tell me they couldn't WAIT to read my thoughts on the day or about the things that happened to me that I made sound like an epic adventure. Now all I do is whine and complain, what happened?"

Truth is, I'm not sure. At some point in the last three to four years, I've slowly turned more and more into a whiny, cantankerous witch, and I don't like it. I tell myself I don't like it, I tell myself I'm going to change, I try to be more positive for a few days, then something happens and there I go again, complaining like a two year old that was told I can't have a popsicle for lunch.

Granted, a LOT has happened to me in the last few years. I moved out of my fathers house and into a rental home (which my dad owns), got married and instantly became a mother to three kids, became pregnant with my first child (and have basically been pregnant non-stop since then with 6 month gaps between kids), bought my first car, had two of my step kids move back with their mom, lost multiple sources of income, and ultimately lost my job due to massive lay-offs, which has lead to us going on WIC and will likely eventually have to apply for food stamps because I cant seem to figure out how to support my household on $300 a month and still pay all our bills, and there's no point in trying to get another job because I've got three kids under three come September, and with the cost of childcare I'd have to earn above minimum wage and work full time, and my local economy can't offer a job like that. So, yeah, a lot.

With all that living and learning and losing and stressing in the last few years, I've also lost a lot of what made me... me. I used to sing, draw, take photos, write, go on spur of the moment adventures, do things just because, and tried to live life to the fullest. Now my life revolves around my husband and my kids, and the most exciting thing I do all day is play, "Guess what died in the sippy cup" and "Dear God, what's under the couch?!" and man, it's hard! I love my kids, wouldn't change having gotten married and becoming a mother for the world, but I have moments where I dream about what it would be like to have my "old life" back for just a moment, and then I deal with the guilt that inevitably comes with even thinking those thoughts.

Speaking of guilt, I never realized just how much GUILT comes with being a mother before I became one. It's ridiculous! You feel guilty for every little thing, even something as simple as taking a five minute shower by yourself can induce guilt because you're kids start crying as soon as they realize they can't "play in the water" with you. Heaven forbid you close the bathroom door to take a poo. The sounds coming from your kids of utter abandonment are enough to make you feel like you've committed an unforgivable sin. And now I'm writing this blog post one handed because my teething one year old needs me to hold him, and my two year old is using some toy as a "hungry monster" trying to eat my shirt, so I should probably take the hint and wrap this up.

The conclusion to all this is, well, I guess there isn't one. I'll try to be more positive and I'll inevitable find something new to whine about in a few days (if not this evening). It's been hard to find out who I am since I got married, because my entire sense of self has revolved around either my family or my job, and now I'm a stay at home mom and my days revolve around little Napoleons and I don't see that ending any time soon. My husband bless his heart tries to help me and wouldn't deny me a night out or a hobby, but that just revolves back to that whole "guilt" thing again. Is there a happy medium for me? Who knows, guess I'll have to keep trying to find out.