Hey blogger,
Remember in that last blog post where I said I was really bad about keeping my blogs updated? I meant it.
That baby we said we were leaving up to God's plan? God decided that month that we should have another baby, and I'm now 30 weeks pregnant with my second son.
My first child is going to be a year old on the 2nd of April, and already the tantrums have begun. He's still mostly a little angel, but when he has bad days, he has BAD days. I was trying to clean up my house today (something that I have been really lacking on, see above about being 30 weeks pregnant) in preparation for getting our rental home re-carpeted this week (my father, the landlord, wants new carpet installed before the new baby gets here) and it felt as if for every minute of cleaning, there was ten minutes of tantrums and cuddling that needed to happen before I was able to continue with whatever it was I was doing. My son can now stand with the assistance of objects, and one of his favorite objects is his mommy's legs, especially when he's on a little rampage and wants attention NOW. I cannot tell you how many times this kids has almost accidentally pulled my pants down (one time he actually succeeded).
I was just losing all patience with him today, and then getting annoyed at myself for it and feeling like a failure. He's one, he doesn't REALLY know what he's doing. He's learning and testing boundaries, that is what little people do. I just felt so ill equipped all day to deal with him, and all I could keep thinking was, "My God, and in just about two more months I'm going to have a newborn to take care of as well. How am I going to do it without having a complete and total mental/physical/emotional breakdown?!"
I was a mom tonight because I had to be, not because I felt like I could be. I felt like a failure. I didn't know what my son wanted/needed, and he's too young to tell me. One minute all he wanted was to be held, the next he desperately wanted on the floor, but as soon as his feet touched the ground he was crying again. It doesn't help that he's teething as well (his 7th, 8th, and I think 9th teeth are coming in). He's struggling and learning right along with me, and logically I know I can't have all the answers and magically understand what's going on in that tiny little brain of his, but I feel like I should.
I really shouldn't even be on here right now. I haven't eaten any dinner, I have the remains of my son's dinner to pick up from the floor (half a bagel with cream cheese and yogurt melts, I didn't have the energy to try for anything else, plus I haven't gone shopping this week), and I still have hours of housework ahead of me. I just really felt like I needed a moment to "write it out" though, and I do feel guilt about not keeping up with my blog (among other things). I think if I found time to write just a little bit every week, it would help me feel a little better. I know there are lots of moms out there that struggle just like I do, I'm not special in that regard. But maybe some mom will stumble across my words and feel just a little bit better and a little less alone knowing that it's not just them.
Well, I should go find some dinner (likely a bowl of cereal) and get back to work. Part of me wants to say "fudge it" and just wake up really early tomorrow before work and try to get some more work done, but I know me, and that's a bad idea.
~ Lady A
